The Stigma of Divorce - Taking off the Scarlet Letter “D”. - Part One
Have you ever been told that “so and so are getting a divorce” and your mind, even for a second, thought, “I wonder what he/she did that led to that?” I’d rather not admit it but I know that I have. Something must have gone very wrong for a couple to have called it quits. It sure makes you wonder what happened. For the divorcee, it makes him or her feel judged.
The end of a marriage leaves its mark on a person. I can attest to that myself. Sadly, there are many men and women who are aware that other people now look at them differently and somewhat marred. A lot of Christians, after their divorce, feel they wear a disgraced “D” on their chest or forehead. They feel ostracized.
From the research I’ve done to write this post, the donning of the “Scarlet D” may be felt more by Christians versus non-Christians. The vows we made before God were sacred. This wasn’t supposed to happen. So we take off the wedding ring and we put on shame.
The Scarlet Letter was an 1850 novel of a woman, Hester Pyrnne’s, public humiliation after an affair. Her actions resulted in her being made to wear a scarlet “A” on her clothing for the rest of her life. Can you imagine? Would that ever happen to a divorced person in 2020? Can anyone make us wear shame?
I reached out to several of my Christian friends who have endured divorce to help me with this post. They shared with me their feelings tied with being divorced. They also provided advice for others going through the same. I’m so grateful for these people’s willingness to share their hearts with you. Here are their responses. Some of these feelings are self imposed. Some are inflicted by others. All are deeply felt:
EMOTIONS WE MAY FEEL
Abandoned - couples don’t reach out to singles therefore there is initially less social interaction
Alone - felt even more when your kids are gone from the home or your own parents are no longer living
Angered - you never asked for this
Ashamed - your marriage failed
Awkward - when someone asks you about your husband or wife and you don’t have one; people don’t know what to say next
Blamed - you must have done something wrong
Conflicted - when seeing your ex-spouse prosper
Doubt - in yourself
Embarrassed - because yours “failed”
Excluded - from social functions. If included, you feel like a third-wheel
Fake - you feel you need to put on your “happy face” in front of others
Free - from being out from under an unhealthy spouse
Guilt-ridden - in dealing with the awful desire that your “ex” might die and the never-ending tension between you and your “ex” would be over
Isolated - you are no longer a “we”
Judged - as people wonder what’s wrong with you or what you have done to cause this
Lost - without your identity as a husband or wife
Misfit - Now where do I belong?
Ostracized - because you’re looked at differently now
Overwhelmed - in trying to put back the broken pieces
Resentment - because everyone else seems so happy
Sadness - of losing your dream of a happy marriage
Unloved
Unworthy
In the next couple of weeks we will take a look at:
Where shame comes from and how to take off the Scarlet “D”
What the Scriptures have to say about how we are to handle these difficult feelings.
Practical advice to help deal with the emotional fallout of divorce
Ways that the church can do a better job to minister to the divorcee
Stay tuned. Please feel free to share your comments and suggestions here about your own experiences of overcoming shame. I look forward to passing along the impute I receive.