LEMONS TO LEMONADE: Tool #5 to Equip You for Battle: Do NOT be a Peacekeeper
I used to think that keeping the peace in my home at all costs was the noble thing to do. If no one was arguing and no one was getting upset, then I must be handling disputes the right way. And honestly up until recent years, as a follower of Christ, I believed that being a peacekeeper was what the Bible was teaching me to do.
I was wrong. Take a minute to Google “images of peacekeepers” and see what shows up. (Hint: see the attached picture.) The top definition in the Urban dictionary for peacekeeper is “a handgun.” Is this the image you feel expresses the way that you or others incorrectly use their control to “keep the peace? Is this really peace?
What happens when we assume others know how we feel about an issue if we don’t clearly verbalize those feelings to them? Is it fair to expect others to know that putting our hand on the hip and rolling our eyes means we aren’t happy with the present circumstances? Is it fair to be upset with someone who has made a remark we feel is offensive if we don’t tell them they just hurt our feelings?
Here is what happens when we don't take the time to verbalize our thoughts and we assume someone knows how we are feeling. Read the following slowly to absorb. We enable or give authority to that person to continue with their abusive or harmful behavior. Not only are we allowing hurtful words and behaviors to continue, we are essentially saying to others that we are ok with how we are being treated even if we are NOT. We are teaching hurtful conduct to those we care about, endorsing this pattern to continue. Enabling wrong behavior just to keep the peace is WRONG.
Please understand that I detest confrontation and arguing. Both can make me feel physically sick. I am most comfortable to go with the flow and to never have to deal with conflict. I want everyone in the room to be happy and to get along.
Yet Scripture doesn’t call us to be peacekeepers, rather peaceMAKERS. The difference in the two is huge. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9). “Blessed” (according to Warren Wiersbe’s Bible commentary) describes an “inner satisfaction and sufficiency that does not depend on outward circumstances for happiness.” Blessed is a God thing.
A Peacemaker is someone who:
Tries to cause peace to happen.
Helps others solve conflict and reach a peaceful solution.
Collaborates together to make decisions so that both get something they want or need.
Talk issues out together to create solutions. A synonym for peacekeeper is “reconciler.”
A Peacekeeper is someone who:
Tries to keep the atmosphere peaceful by working to calm others down rather than working to resolve the conflict.
Allows themselves to be bullied rather than stand up to their offender.
Is afraid to “poke the bear.” (Some of you know exactly what this means.)
Swallows hard the words he or she needs to express because she fears conflict.
Several years ago I wrote Walking Through Fire Without Getting Burned. This book contains the tools to help us walk through our hard places. While working on Chapter 12, “Are You a Peacemaker or a Peacekeeper?” I searched my Bible’s concordance to find passages on “peacekeeper.” To my surprise, there weren’t any! Not one.
Keeping the peace may allow two people to get through a tense moment without outward fighting. But the tension and turmoil within, will be like water gurgling in a boiling pot. Resentments will begin to fester. The enemy will plant seeds of discontent and resentment to grow. Eventually the steam in the pot will blow. Blessed are the peacemakers. Do you see the difference?
What happens to YOU when you choose to try and keep the peace rather than working to be a maker of peace? Know that I share these words as someone who has learned this truth the hard and painful way. You lose a part of your voice when you are afraid to speak from your heart. You lose yourself, the person God created you to be. (And speaking specifically to the context of marriage, biblical submission has nothing to do with losing your voice.)
Lord, teach me to speak with love and clarity about what I need. Teach me to express my hurt in a way that honors You. Give me Your voice, Lord, to speak up for truth and for goodness and kindness. Amen
Friend, I encourage you, in the start of this new year, to learn to find your voice. Ask God to give you faith that is bigger than your fears of running away from conflict. Next week we’ll take a look at ways we receive godly counsel to help us find our voice.
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.” Isaiah 26:3-4