What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say
What do you say to parents whose baby is born with something other than what we call “normal”? Or do you say nothing at all? While there may be no “perfect” thing to say or do when you are talking with new parents of a child born with special needs, here are some suggestions I found helpful for me:
1) Say “Congratulations on the birth of your son/daughter. I’m sorry to hear he has some problems.” Any new life is worthy of congratulations.
2) If possible, hold their child. Talk to him or her as you would any baby. If there is anything you can sincerely compliment on - do so. For me, to see friends cuddling, rocking, smiling at my new child helped me to be able to accept him and assured me that others would also. It brought some normalcy into our lives.
3) If you ask them, “How are you doing?” wait around long enough to hear their answer. Show your concern for their response. Know that you don’t have to have all the answers but that your presence and sincere concern is appreciated.
4) Offer your help but don’t leave it open ended, such as “Please call me if I can do anything for you.” Someone who is depressed or overwhelmed may never gain enough courage to call out for help. You make the suggestions. Be specific, such as “I’d like to come over and bring dinner tomorrow night and keep your kids so you and your husband can get away together.”
5) Stay in touch on a regular basis.
6) Find a sense of humor some way wherever appropriate. Laughter is wonderful. If it’s your tradition to plant a large cement pig with a big bow and balloon in the front yard of the new proud parents, don’t allow these parents to miss out on your traditions. If done in love it is a sign of acceptance.
7) Offer to help them write up and send out their child’s birth announcements.
8) Don’t desert them. You need not feel guilty that your family has been blessed with good health. Just spend time with them.
9) Sending books and literature, scripture verses, stories - anything that you feel may be helpful - is good. Your intentions are what’s important. Remember that this “crisis” is new to these parents as well. The piece of literature you send may be just the thing to help get your friend on the road to healing.
10) Sharing with these new parents the help you have come across regarding their child’s medical problems and therapies, etc. can be good, but keep in mind foremost that this is a precious child of God. Love the child first. The disability is secondary.
11) During the initial days (weeks, months) of shock and despair your friend may not desire to be approached by other parents who have similar experiences to share. If you feel that this personal contact would be helpful for your friend, give them the name and telephone number of that contact person saying, “You can call when you feel like talking.” Hopefully they will reach out when they are ready.
12) For those who are able, commit to spending a regular interval of your time with their child. This will give them some free time they can look forward to and it will enable you to get to know their child. Most importantly, it will let them know that you are in this journey with them for the long haul.
13) If you are one who prays, tell these parents that you will commit to praying for them and their child on a regular basis no matter what. Then pray! For those new parents who are momentarily shutting out all outside helps, your prayers are what can reach them.
14) Remember that although you may have grieved over, hurt for and thought so much about what your friend or loved one is experiencing - he or she will never know unless you tell them. Follow through with your well meaning intentions to write or call or visit them. They need you.
I hope you find these helpful. Every life deserves to be celebrated and every parent needs our love. If you have any other suggestions that may be helpful to the rest of us, please share.