Peace and Panic - Turmoil and Joy - The Desperate Heart of a Mom

I often wish that the stories I share with you could look like perfectly captured Kodak moments with everybody smiling. It’s a real challenge to write today (as it was yesterday and also last week every time I unsuccessfully attempted to put words on paper for a blog). My heart wants to encourage. But it is very hard to write when I feel so discouraged. I have found such purpose in sharing my life stories, whether from a season of difficulty or of joy. Because I then have the privilege to show how good and faithful our God is. He really is. Yet when I’m right smack in the middle of a rough spot it is hard to keep believing. That’s where I am today.

First, I’m happy and very grateful for what God has brought me through over the past five years. And for the place He has brought me to, married to a wonderful man. Rich and I did enjoy a true Kodak moment on our wedding day on June 5th. We were surrounded by our families and a small group of friends at Limoncello restaurant downtown. Our three grandsons were charming little ring bearers. Rich’s precious granddaughters were beautiful flower girls and two of my sons escorted me down the aisle. My amazing two daughters stood beside me as maid and matron of honor while Rich had his youngest daughter standing by him. My oldest son did an incredible job officiating the wedding and then sang, “Conversations in the Dark” as my husband and I shared our first dance. It couldn’t have gone better.

But it is hard right now to keep my focus on the goodness and faithfulness of God when I feel like such a failure as a parent. So crazy to experience joy in one wing of my home and turmoil in another. Peace on my porch with my Bible and my journal and panic when conflict arises and I don’t know what to do. It’s painful to pour into your child for years, what you feel is the best you’ve had to give, and it’s not good enough. The expression, “hurt people hurt people” has proven true with us.

I have shared before about my struggle to parent. (See some previous blogs: “What’s a Mom to do When she Experiences Apathy? Part 1,2 and 3 and “What's a Mom to do When She is Tired of Being a Mom?” in Hopeforhardplaces.com/ What’s a Mom to do tab) This time it doesn’t feel like apathy, just defeat. So why do I share and where is the hope? It certainly is not in the circumstances inside the walls of this home. It seems that every parenting book I’ve read and Focus on the Family broadcast I’ve heard hasn’t covered “this”. Today I am clueless. 

My hope is not in my abilities to be a good parent.  My only hope is in knowing the One who knows and who sees my child for the special gift that he is. 

The blessing comes in yet another opportunity to wake up desperate for Jesus to be real and present in today. I am desperate for Him to show me what my next right thing is that I’m supposed to do. I need Him to tell me the right words I’m supposed to speak. I am bankrupt of any plan to make this situation better. Today I will choose (a moment at a time) for God to equip me to do whatever I need to do. God knows my heart. For now, I will cling to one of my favorite verses of Scripture, Matthew 5:3. Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of God. Yes, I am weary and confused and very aware of my need for Jesus. Then, according to this verse, I must be blessed. Tomorrow morning I will sit with the Lord and spend some time in His Word. I will allow His Spirit to strengthen me and fill me with his Peace. And if sharing with others can encourage them to do the same, then there is good.