How to Be the Church to Someone Going Through Divorce Part Four
A moment of conviction just hit me as I was sitting down to write this final post on Divorce. God does that sometimes if He sees me pointing a critical finger of responsibility onto someone else when that someone might be me. I’ve been waiting to hear back from friends who work in various churches to answer this question I posed to them: What can the church do to better minister to the needs of the Divorcee? Don’t they have someone on staff to do that sort of thing?
Here’s what hit me. WE, if followers of Jesus Christ, ARE THE CHURCH. Yes it is good to go and be part of a local church but it is essential that we also BE the church to a hurting world. While it is good for churches to have programs that target folks who are separated or divorced, perhaps God has a plan for you to meet some of those needs yourself. So a better question to pose is God what do you want me to do to come alongside this person struggling with divorce?
Hear this from the heart of one friend’s experience: “When things actually happened (the divorce), no one from the church acknowledged the situation. We had been members, regular attendees and even were a part of a Sunday school class for years... I would have hoped for more from God’s family, of which we were an active part of…I watched as “church people” rallied around my friend who had tragically lost her husband in an auto accident. My heart broke for her. They helped with meals, mowed her grass, helped with household chores, engaged with her children. There was absolutely no acknowledgement to my loss. I had to scramble to keep my life together, minister to my children, as well as absorb all of the extra household duties. This left zero time to process my own loss. It was overwhelming. I have no family in the area...While coping with this, I needed to get a job. I had been a stay at home mom since my children were born. I struggled with not being available for them as much during this time. I was left to navigate legal situations on my own.”
Another friend shares this, “When I became separated I reached out to my church to join their Divorce Care. I was told I must wait until I am divorced to participate. Instead they said they believed in reconciliation...Sometimes it’s not our fault! My husband had no desire to reconcile. The church had nothing to offer me. I needed help.”
She continues, “I think people should walk alongside someone going through divorce the same way they would walk alongside someone who has lost a spouse. This is a death...except as a divorcee I feel “less than” because my marriage failed.
10 HELPS YOU MIGHT OFFER SOMEONE GOING THROUGH DIVORCE
Ask, “How may I help?” Then be ready to follow through with your offer. Realize that their needs may extend well beyond those initial weeks of becoming separated or divorced.
Say, “I’m here if you want to talk. I’m here if you need someone to listen. May I pray with you about that?” Tell them they do not have to go through this alone. When the divorcee shares his/her hurts with you, just listen. Don’t try and fix it.
When you come into the sanctuary on Sunday mornings pray, “God, open my eyes and allow me to see somebody who is in need today. Give me the boldness to go and ask this person how I may help to bear their burden, no matter how awkward I feel.”
If you see someone of the same sex sitting alone at church, ask God if He wants you to go and sit with that person. Consider inviting him or her to join you for lunch after church.
If there is a financial need, pray about how you can help. Consider giving grocery gift cards or offer financial help to make their counseling affordable. Pay for their child to attend camp, etc.
Personally invite them to join you in family activities or whatever you can think of. It’s not so important what the activity is rather that the person feel included and not alone.
Offer a get together of friends that is not centered exclusively for couples, especially during the holidays.
Are there any practical needs (home or car repairs, yard work) you or someone you know could help to take care of? Remember that it is often very difficult for the one in need to ask for help.
Take your friend a meal. Invite them over for a meal.
Continue to reach out and check on your friend. The after affects of separation and divorce are long lasting.
Let’s end here with a word to the person who is in the midst of all of “this” - the fall out of becoming separated and eventually divorced. As burdened as you feel, learn how to advocate for yourself. Learn how to seek and ask for what you need and want. Ask God to allow you to experience His grace by accepting your need for help. Experience the beauty and the power of the body of Christ as you allow others to meet your needs. Find the freedom of letting go of your pride. Realize that saying, “I am really struggling right now. I need help,” is a picture of Matthew 5:3 being lived out. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. When God provided manna, his daily provision of food, for the Israelites wandering the desert, He did not spoon feed them their sustenance while they lay in their tents. Every morning his children had to make a choice to get up and go out and receive what was being provided for them. You can do all things through Christ who gives you your strength!
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help. Isaiah 41:13”