What's a Mom to do if She Finds Herself Single Again? Part 1 - Are you Ready?
I need to begin by stating as clearly as I know how that I am NOT an expert in the field of singleness or dating. I still have much to learn in the area of “starting over.” I do know that after 35 years of being married I am now faced with many unknowns and am working to find closure to a relationship in which I have devoted most of my life. This entire experience has given me an abundance of “opportunities” to continue to cling to my faith in Christ and to walk in trust and full surrender to a God.
I do believe that it grieves God for Him to see a marriage come to an end, whether through divorce or through death. We live in a broken world. If there is any hope at all for your own marriage to be reconciled I would encourage you to read Chapter 3 from my book, Walking Through Fire Without Getting Burned, “Leave No Stone Unturned: Choose to Reconcile.” If at all possible, fight for your marriage with all you’ve got. Do everything you can to work for possible change and healing so that you might end with no regrets.
How do you begin to redefine yourself as a “me” after so many years of being a “we”?
How do you move forward into an unexpected future when you never wanted this?
How do you learn to go out with another person when you’re not even sure who you are anymore?
So many questions battled in my head and heart for months. Anger and fear and grief. All emotions capable of sucking the life out of any of us as we move on to a place we did not want to go. This entire experience serves to show us all the more how much we need God. Yes it helps to know the One who knows and to walk as closely with Him as we can.
First, if you are still struggling with anger and bitterness toward your spouse (ex) or immense grief from your loss I would strongly encourage you to find yourself a good counselor to walk through this with you. There is no reason for anyone to stay stuck in an unhealthy mindset when there are gifted professionals who can offer you help. Trust me, counseling is worth the investment. It is wiser to enter into a new relationship after you have gotten yourself to a good place emotionally.
Second, yet of most importance, begin this journey in prayer. And keep on praying! After a full year following my divorce (a suggestion from a wise counselor to allow for much needed healing), I opened my mind to the idea of dating again. Lord, I desire your best for me. Am I to be with someone or is it your best for me to remain single? How do I find him? Protect me, Lord, and grow me as a person through this process.
How I wish God would deliver His answers to us in an engraved envelope and just tell us what to do. Or better than that, just drop that special one right down in front. Actually many of God’s answers as to how to find love can be found throughout Scripture. I choose to hold onto the words of Psalm 37:4, Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desire of your heart. It was never my desire to spend these years alone. The desire now is within me to share my life and my love with another. So for me, I will keep pressing forward, asking and expecting to receive. God is able to do more than we can ever ask or imagine.
Third, warm your kids up to the idea of your dating again. Your children have already been through an incredibly difficult experience and loss. Be sensitive to their needs. My (then)14 year old daughter’s initial response to the idea of her mother going out on a date was this: “Mom, repeat after me. I don’t need a man. I don’t want a man!” My response in return to her was, “I don’t need a man but I might want a man!” This is all a process.
Next week I want us to look together at knowing who we are in Christ and understanding why this is so important.
If you’ve found yourself in a “boat” similar to mine, have you shared your heart with God about what His best for you is regarding dating?