Are You a Friend Who Does?
Let’s have a little fun with opposites. God clearly sees great value in our friendships. The Greek word for friend is philos which means to love or loving. The Bible is filled with words of wisdom on how we are to love others. So, I’m thinking, if you want to be a lousy friend, then forget the love and do the opposite of what Scripture suggests to do:
“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” Ephesians 4:32. Hey, if your friend has let you down and hurt your feelings, try this instead: Don’t give him a “pass” for his offense. Think of your own needs first. Harden your heart because he might just hurt you again. And for heaven sakes, don’t allow yourself to forgive.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another” Hebrews 10:24-25. Instead, let your friend call you since, as best as you can remember, you called her last. If she needs something, she can ask. She’s discouraged? It’s not your problem, right? Reaching out may bring you down.
When my son was born with Down syndrome, for the first couple months I was a mess! I felt completely overwhelmed as a mom to three young children facing a future of “what-if’s.” For the most part, my friends were absolutely amazing as they rallied around to help my family navigate these new waters of having a child with special needs. Yet here's what I learned that year about being a great friend.
A friend does.
Many months after Brady’s birth I would run into friends who had good intentions but they had no actions. When our paths did cross months later they told me how often they had thought of me and had intended to reach out though they had not. Thank God for my friends who did. I’m not sure I would have made it through that year (as well as a few other years along the way) without friends who moved beyond “thinking” and actually reached out with a phone call or a note of encouragement. I’m not slamming those well-meaning but poor- follow-through folks. I’ve done the same. But that year taught me that being a good friend is a verb and not just a noun, especially during our times of greatest need. A friend does.
“A friend loves at all times, And a brother is born for times of adversity” Proverbs 17:17. Instead, when a friend is hit by adversity, and you're at a loss for words because nothing you say can “fix” the situation, run the other way. Don’t call. Pretend like you aren’t aware of their situation. Certainly they have other friends who will be there for them in their time of need.
When my brother, Scott, was battling cancer, his ongoing treatments and roller coaster medical struggles extended over a period of years. It was exhausting for the entire family. Fortunately, Scott and his wife, Beverly, had many friends who were verbs and not nouns. Beverly shared with me some of the ways their friends showed their love and support. I believe these ideas can be helpful to all of us:
Pray and ask God, “Lord, what do you want me to do to help my friend?” Follow through with what He prompts you to do.
Do SOMETHING. No deed is too small. It says to the friend going through the trial, “They thought of me.”
Don’t ask. DO. In a chaotic time the person in need may not know what to ask you for.
Send a card saying, “I’m praying for you and your family.” Pray.
No time to take them a meal? Send them a restaurant gift card with a note.
Send a text or Facebook message to let them know you’re thinking of them.
A friend does not stop at thoughts of reaching out. A friend reaches out. A friend takes action.
I want to end this post offering a sincere apology to all those friends in whom I pulled back from rather than leaned into when their going got rough. There are many. I want to be a friend who does. I want to be a tender-hearted friend who makes time to get together, offers encouragement to spur you on, and one who is there especially during times of adversity. I don’t want to ignore how the Scriptures tell us to love others. I’m truly grateful for each and every friend - the annuals, perennials and the oak trees (see my “Friends - Which Kinds are in Your Garden” post) - whom God has brought into my life.
This week I encourage you to ask God to show you a tangible way you can express to a friend that you care. Because a friend does.